Things?

We all have those things we just can’t part with weather you want them or not. It could be anything that makes you feel something or anything that makes you think it’s really up to you to decide what these things could be. For me it would be the constant ringing of my phone in the back of my head and the late feeling of regret or a lock my great grandpa gave me before he died. These are the worst and the best things about me.

          The lock is all my hope for the future, its all the good feelings I can’t explain, it’s what makes me want better for myself and everyone else, its everything I think about when I’m happy, it makes me want to do good things, it takes the lonely feeling away, it’s the only reason I still try, its everything to me.

 I could never explain to someone how an inanimate object like an old lock can make me feel so many things at once. I almost feel sorry for the people without things like that but I also don’t know if it’s normal or if I’m just crazy. I imagine it’s about the same feeling as winning the lottery if you were homeless or maybe falling in love.

The constant ringing of a phone in my head is different it’s not like the lock at all; I don’t know what else to call it besides a thing. It’s not a memory exactly it’s more like a sound but it changes so instantly and dramatically, it becomes more of a knife stabbing me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The feeling of regret is what I associate with it most but that can turn into sadness or hate or anger so easy. It’s what makes me scared of the people I like; I trust them even though I already know what is going to happen next. I am the problem. It’s my biggest mistake. It makes me like being bad.

I can get so confused when I start to think about these two things. They make me feel all the bad in the world or all the good it’s over whelming. It’s constant turmoil; it’s a fight between good and evil. I see so many people going about their lives almost as if they are not even real as if life was just some game where they cannot feel anything. They look so clear minded and focused on something besides the end. Is it just me? Is this a normal teenager thing? I don’t know anymore. I just feel crazy.