Hopeful future

I wasn’t really listening to the guest speaker until we stopped talking about schooling. But in one year I want to live in Colorado and have a job I actually like doing. I don’t want to deal with all the things I don’t like about this place. In five years I want to have a cooler car a career in ceramics and hopefully more than just an apartment. I want to have a dog or two or three maybe more now that Im thinking about it. I don’t think I will have a family by then but the world is very unpredictable. I don’t have much luck now with girls so I don’t imagine it changing too much in five years unless I get rich or something. In five years I want to have a completely different mindset, I hate thinking about so much all at once  it’s not even important things most of it is just random stuff  that I don’t even care about. Ten years from now I will have lost contact and/or forgotten  most of the people I know now which is sad to think about now but I think it is what I’m most excited for. All the things that are important now won’t mean a thing to me in ten years it will just be stupid high school stuff. I’ll wonder why I cared so much about it back then I might try and talk to some of these people again I might come back to my school I might look names up in the phone book I might be happy for people or I might just leave them all alone. I’m probably going to regret what I did as a teenager or wish I had done something else whether it is trying harder, or just plan better or at all even.  Fifty years from now if I make it that far I could still be alone and if so I will have lost my mind and be the crazy old guy holding up signs that don’t mean anything to anyone but me. Or I will have a family and friends I would actually look forward to something besides just closing my eyes for the final time. I’m not going to push for the end I’m not hoping it comes soon but I am looking forward to the end. That doesn’t mean I’m depressed or sad or anything just that I’ve accepted it.  I am going to live my life how I chose doing what I want when I want it, going where ever I want being whoever I want. And as I grow and change so will what I want.  The End.

Summer days
Even hotter
At the beach
Florida, where I eat
Oranges to
Appear
Manly.
  
One Pinch Of Salt for my eggs 
this Country Fog turns into
a Stormy Day clouds are 
Silver with Liberty
Overcast Winter Sky makes 
a Cold Charcoal Stones and 
Ironwork is Grey in shadow.

The Wisteria grew 
Peacefully blue on the 
Historical building of blue
it explored un Charted Coarse brick
Out Of The Blue a 
Coolbreeze blue in and
turned it Starboard Blue.
 

I am...

I am a son, the oldest of three, raised here in hell, with no ambitions, just hoping it doesn’t get worse.

           

I am a brother that gets looked up too.

I am a bad role model.

I am a grandson, wishing I had one last of grandma’s sugar cookies, wanting Christmas to go back to how it used to be before, driving past a house that used to be home, remembering the crazy things me and my cousins did, learning to play baseball in the front yard, playing super Nintendo but always losing to Grandma.

I am, a skater that has no fear on four wheels, terrified of the real world on two feet, a friend to Ben and Jacob, a high school student, employed at O`Hana.               

I am, coka cola and fries, donuts and milk, cake and ice cream.

I am, fast cars, dogs, music, video games and records.

I am, warm cloths, cool socks, and Vans.

I am, brown hair and eyes, weird glasses, skinny jeans, camo jackets, 18 and not ready for the world, a new adult, a thinker though you might not guess it.

I am, a broken iPhone, white ps4, an old trumpet in my closet, a white bass guitar,

I am, sleeping in 2^nd block, getting clay everywhere in 1^st block, learning math to batman theme songs 3^rd block, having creative fun in 4^th block.

I am, very late and crazy nights out with friends, going to parties every almost everyday, the smell in my car, accidental burns, not remembering anything, throwing up in the morning, food at 3:00 in the morning because we are still up, hating the blackouts.

I am a loser, a winner, a freak, a kool kid, a nobody, a stoner, a poser.

I do not know what I am...

Things?

We all have those things we just can’t part with weather you want them or not. It could be anything that makes you feel something or anything that makes you think it’s really up to you to decide what these things could be. For me it would be the constant ringing of my phone in the back of my head and the late feeling of regret or a lock my great grandpa gave me before he died. These are the worst and the best things about me.

          The lock is all my hope for the future, its all the good feelings I can’t explain, it’s what makes me want better for myself and everyone else, its everything I think about when I’m happy, it makes me want to do good things, it takes the lonely feeling away, it’s the only reason I still try, its everything to me.

 I could never explain to someone how an inanimate object like an old lock can make me feel so many things at once. I almost feel sorry for the people without things like that but I also don’t know if it’s normal or if I’m just crazy. I imagine it’s about the same feeling as winning the lottery if you were homeless or maybe falling in love.

The constant ringing of a phone in my head is different it’s not like the lock at all; I don’t know what else to call it besides a thing. It’s not a memory exactly it’s more like a sound but it changes so instantly and dramatically, it becomes more of a knife stabbing me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The feeling of regret is what I associate with it most but that can turn into sadness or hate or anger so easy. It’s what makes me scared of the people I like; I trust them even though I already know what is going to happen next. I am the problem. It’s my biggest mistake. It makes me like being bad.

I can get so confused when I start to think about these two things. They make me feel all the bad in the world or all the good it’s over whelming. It’s constant turmoil; it’s a fight between good and evil. I see so many people going about their lives almost as if they are not even real as if life was just some game where they cannot feel anything. They look so clear minded and focused on something besides the end. Is it just me? Is this a normal teenager thing? I don’t know anymore. I just feel crazy.